In Pursuit of Wholeness

Today my awesome friend Fabulous wrote about where she is and, actually where she is and what she thinks about it.

Her post reflected on her choice of living in the US and how she has realized why she is still here.

After reading it, I thought “well, it’s bound to happen that we sometimes review the decision.” And it dawned on me that I’ve been reviewing my decision for a while now. This means that I’m not really going through a temporary doubt. It is deep-seated. And that gave me pause. Because it truly reflects that I am not where I need to be.

You guys know that. I’ve been writing about it for a while. It is aconstant theme in my life. But Fabulous’ post just hit something. I keep coming back to the topic and I can’t not listen to it. And I guess the challenge is to put that thought in the “I will not be afraid” anymore bag. I feel that the “here” where I am (VA) is not fulfilling me. I constantly miss the “there” of NY and Mexico.

In reviewing the whys of missing “there” it has become obvious that it is a deep-seated sense of loneliness. Heightened by the fact that I’ve been separated from the Ex for 8 months now, that it’s been 6 months since Basil’s death and that making new friends in this area has been tough. I don’t have a “family” to make this place home. I had that in Texas and in NY. If I think of what I do every evening, I know my roots are not here. The people I love in this country are in Boston, Atlanta, Texas, NY. So I spend my evenings on the phone with them or with people in Colombia and Mexico.

I have started to work on making this place a new home. On making new friends and on building relationships. On not spending all of my free time on the phone but rather out and about.

However. If that still does not fill the void, I am going to have to go back to one of my “theres”.  Because while I am an only child and I know how to be alone (in fact, I like being alone), I do not like feeling lonely. And I am tired of feeling sad about it.