In Pursuit of Wholeness

OK darling ones, so I’m in South America, in Home Country A, visiting family and friends.

I had mixed feelings about coming here. Didn’t really want to do it. Too many memories I didn’t feel like exploring, too many people of my past I didn’t want to mess with.  But I wanted to see my grandma and one very pregnant best friend. So I came, even though I was too afraid of things, to sensitive to deal with it all.

36 hours into being here, I even had a really stressful night that ended in a way I didn’t want to and which had me on the verge on a panic attack (thanks, Fabulous! for being there at 4am). It brought  back all the insecurities, all the stupidity. It had me feeling one thing: I didn’t really want to be here.

Yet, in the past two days, things have found a balance. I am reminded of how much I like it here, how much I cherish the good memories I have.  Lots of that has to do with the fact that  *certain* people who cause me discomfort are not here and I’ve  mostly  been hanging out with those closest and truest to me.

This is a surprise. I didn’t expect to feel this comfortable, this… OK with this place.

Make no mistake. This doesn’t mean I want to move back here. It’s just that I … I thought I was done with this place, all that it meant and all it reminded me of.

Apparently not so. We’ll see.  Strangely enough, I’m at peace with it. Will post more about all this later in the week.

Apologies if this is rambly. I just have no better words for it.