I’ve been struggling lately with my relationship with my dad. It’s been brought to my attention by several people that they don’t understand how I can love -even worship- a man who has consistently hurt me so much, and who changes temperament and his treatment toward me with a whim. He’s also a man who essentially has told me that if I make any choice with which he is not in agreement, he will stop talking to me.
See what my friends mean?
The thing is, I’ve also been feeling a bit of anger. I would like for him to be a man who supports me in whatever. A man who opens his heart to me because I’m his daughter. No ifs, buts or anything else’s. That’s not who he is and as I think about the things that are good for me, that make me happy, I know that at one point he will stop talking to me.
I’m 31, kids. Almost 32. It’s time I started living my life for myself and just hope that those who love me support me, and those who can’t deal with my decisions move out of the way. I can’t make everybody happy. Much less my dad.
With that in mind, I’ve been pulling away a bit. I call less often, am evasive about my life. Thing is, he has sensed it. I called today for his birthday (OK, it’s next week but he won’t be available) and he told me my brother and him feel I am “strange” and “too secretive”. I played it off. But they are right. I am. I’ve been doing soul-searching (who would I be if not someone who is doing that constantly?) I’ve been thinking about what’s important for me, and, in the words of Fabulous, what I need and what I want (right, Fab?). The answers haven’t all been pretty or easy to digest, yet they are what they are. Therefore, there are things going on in my life that I haven’t told my dad or brother.
Today, after talking to dad and his telling me he senses something is amiss, I felt a hole in my stomach. I will tell him, but now that he is suspicious, it will be worse than if he didn’t suspect anything. He will call me a liar, deceitful. Never mind that it was him that made me be deceitful, because I wanted to keep him in my life as long as I could and I know that when I tell him, he’s gone. This time, for good (unless, as my therapist says, he grows up and comes back).
I know he cannot manipulate me this way. I know I technically don’t need anyone in my life who treats me this way. But I also know he is dad. DAD. The man who made me much of who I am, the only person with which certain conversations can be had, the person from which I got my nerdy intellectual sense of humor, among other things. The man with whom I had a rift for 18 years and with whom I finally made peace three years ago, able to have him back in my life again. He is my dad. I want him to be part of the good things that are going on.
I can intellectualize this as much as I want, I can pretend I’ll be all right, but I know I won’t. I don’t know how to not have him in my life again.
daisy said,
May 29, 2008 at 1:13 am
“I would like for him to be a man who supports me in whatever. A man who opens his heart to me because I’m his daughter. No ifs, buts or anything else’s.”
But he’s not. That is clear just from reading the post and everything you’ve ever said about him. I have trouble myself separating what I want from what exists in reality. At least my dad generally stays out of my life.
Sorry, hon.
San said,
May 29, 2008 at 1:37 am
Wow. That is tough.
I have a really really good relationship with my Dad. For the longest time growing up I -subconciously – did what people expected from me. I tried to please everybody and for a while succeeded greatly in it.
Then, you get older and you have to make decisions of your own that only you can make and that nobody, repeat NOBODY else can make for you or be part of.
THIS is when it comes to bottom of it all: my Dad was great and still supported me all the way, a little less noticable at first, but nevertheless he was there.
I really wish your father could be the same way. Have you tried to talk to him about your fear? Have you tried to involve your therapist in how to deal with it?
Whatever you need to tell him – sooner or later you have to get it over with.
Good Luck.
Me said,
May 29, 2008 at 4:59 am
Yes. Want and need. Important to figure out…..and, you know, manipulative parents aren’t cool…geez, I remember your “wedding” post and the rift between your parents….you know, they need to remember that this is your life and that it’s not about them…it’s about you.
Bejeweled said,
May 29, 2008 at 5:57 am
Boy, that’s a tough one. The strong independent woman in me would want to say, “you know what dad, this is my life, love it or leave it.” But reading what you say is your dad’s personality, he’d probably leave it. And that would hurt you more than the way he acts towards you. I hope you find a way to talk to your dad about who you are as a person and what you feel is best for you without alienating him from your life.
Jen said,
May 29, 2008 at 10:08 pm
This is certainly a tough one. But I would give him the chance to be the better man and tell him so. Tell him what you would expect of him and see how he reacts. If he takes you into consideration and tries at least to support you then win-win, right? If he doesn’t then that will something for him to work on like your therapist says, but at least you will have done your part.