Told ya’

May 29, 2008 at 10:17 pm (Family)

Yesterday, after talking to Violet and just sucking it up, I decided to tell dad.

This is how it went (translated from Spanish):

Me: [Everything you guys already know, except the section on mom, didn't want extra drama from him].
Dad: Ay, ay, ay!! No. Hmpf! Mumbling.
Me: Dad, I’m almost 32. I’m not a child. I made this decision thinking it out well and now that I am sure, I am telling you. I hope you can understand. I love this man. I will marry him.
Dad: No comments.
Me: I hope you do not decide to stop talking to me, like you did in the past
[silence...]
Me: Hello?
Dad: I’m listening.
Me: That’s all. I was afraid you would react this way, but I didn’t want to lie to you.
Dad: Just one thing, NSLW, don’t you even dream about knocking on my door in the future, bringing me grandchildren to meet. That’s all I gotta say.
Me: I’m sorry you feel this way, daddy. If you ever change your mind, I am always here.
Dad: Fine. Your brother wants to talk to you.

So there you have it. Didn’t I tell you this is how it would go? Hopefully when he sees how happy I am, and the wedding rolls around and the grandchildren arrive, he will change his mind. His issues, in the end, are not so much about me, but about him and his feelings about my mom and HCA.

Oh, and for my brother? He’s the best brother ever. 21, and very loving and mature:

Brother: Are you happy?
Me: Yes.
Brother: Are you sure this is the right decision?
Me: Yes.
Brother: Then I am happy for you and I support you all the way. Don’t worry about what people think, least of all dad. If you are sure and you are happy, then those who love you will support you. And I will be there when you marry. Now, tell me all the juicy details.

Isn’t he great? So there’s a silver lining. *Sigh*

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I’m happy

May 29, 2008 at 9:19 pm (Life, Love)

NOTE: I wrote this post over a month ago, when it happened. But before I posted it I wanted to tell a couple of friends in person, and not have them read it here. Now that that’s done, I can put it here. The title still applies. More than ever, actually.

I’m happy

There are roses on a vase on my table.

There’s a scent of cologne throughout my bed, pillows and even Basil

There’s a man’s pair of trousers hanging on my closet

There’s a pajama that was left over here.

There’s the memory of opening my door on Friday and finding the love of my life standing there.

There’s his voice and what he had to say. There’s his commitment to us and to me, and his desire for a life together, married.

There’s the memory of the conversations, tears, laughter, honesty, and a pledge to begin anew.

There’s his apology to my mom and his asking her for her blessing for us.

More than anything, there’s peace in my heart because it feels right, because I do believe him, and I love him.

Here goes everything. Love has knocked on my door again, and I am following it.

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Loss

May 29, 2008 at 12:45 am (Family)

I’ve been struggling lately with my relationship with my dad. It’s been brought to my attention by several people that they don’t understand how I can love -even worship- a man who has consistently hurt me so much, and who changes temperament and his treatment toward me with a whim. He’s also a man who essentially has told me that if I make any choice with which he is not in agreement, he will stop talking to me.

See what my friends mean?

The thing is, I’ve also been feeling a bit of anger. I would like for him to be a man who supports me in whatever. A man who opens his heart to me because I’m his daughter. No ifs, buts or anything else’s. That’s not who he is and as I think about the things that are good for me, that make me happy, I know that at one point he will stop talking to me.

I’m 31, kids. Almost 32. It’s time I started living my life for myself and just hope that those who love me support me, and those who can’t deal with my decisions move out of the way. I can’t make everybody happy. Much less my dad.

With that in mind, I’ve been pulling away a bit. I call less often, am evasive about my life. Thing is, he has sensed it. I called today for his birthday (OK, it’s next week but he won’t be available) and he told me my brother and him feel I am “strange” and “too secretive”. I played it off. But they are right. I am. I’ve been doing soul-searching (who would I be if not someone who is doing that constantly?) I’ve been thinking about what’s important for me, and, in the words of Fabulous, what I need and what I want (right, Fab?). The answers haven’t all been pretty or easy to digest, yet they are what they are. Therefore, there are things going on in my life that I haven’t told my dad or brother.

Today, after talking to dad and his telling me he senses something is amiss, I felt a hole in my stomach. I will tell him, but now that he is suspicious, it will be worse than if he didn’t suspect anything. He will call me a liar, deceitful. Never mind that it was him that made me be deceitful, because I wanted to keep him in my life as long as I could and I know that when I tell him, he’s gone. This time, for good (unless, as my therapist says, he grows up and comes back).

I know he cannot manipulate me this way. I know I technically don’t need anyone in my life who treats me this way. But I also know he is dad. DAD. The man who made me much of who I am, the only person with which certain conversations can be had, the person from which I got my nerdy intellectual sense of humor, among other things. The man with whom I had a rift for 18 years and with whom I finally made peace three years ago, able to have him back in my life again. He is my dad. I want him to be part of the good things that are going on.

I can intellectualize this as much as I want, I can pretend I’ll be all right, but I know I won’t. I don’t know how to not have him in my life again.

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The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

May 20, 2008 at 10:28 pm (Food, Health)

I’ve been pondering lately about the whole IBS diet I am following. No, not because I want to quit it, but because I think I’ve finally figured it out and come to a nice balance. Yet IBS continues to baffle me. While there are several symptoms and food triggers that affect all IBSers across the board, I’ve come to really be impressed at how different the disease is for everyone.

Take, for example, the aforementioned diet. The title of today’s post is the same as a document I have in my desktop, which lists the foods I can eat, the ones I shouldn’t, and the ones that will essentially kill me. I first just copied it (I added the witty title) from the one in the book I use as my IBS guide. Then I started tweaking it to match my own reactions to the food, and I have to admit some of the reorganization would scare other IBSers.

In the first column I have papaya, oatmeal and soy milk, which are allowed in the list. I should have banana, as it’s considered one of the friendliest foods for the tummy. Not so. For me, it belongs in the third column, “the ugly”. Few things kick me as banana does. Funny thing, it used not to, until I developed IBS. Hmmm. Same thing with mango. No, no, no, no. Bad, bad, mango!!

Other items that are banned from the diet, such as eggs, bacon and cheese, I tolerate quite well and eat frequently (OK, for the cheese, it’s only white, non creamy cheeses that I do well with, but it’s some kind of cheese nonetheless). These foods are somewhere in between “good” and “bad”.

Corn, which is considered bad, I do well with. Especially white, so I eat plenty of tortillas. :)

Coffee, however, continues to torment me if I ever go near it. Thank goodness for Chai tea, though. I would be a very sleepy teacher without it.

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Getting Old

May 20, 2008 at 6:43 am (Music)

There are some artists that you like and get excited about when you hear in the radio or in a club, but you wouldn’t buy their music.

There are some artists that you like so much that you do buy their music, but you wouldn’t go to their concert.

There are some artists that you like so much that you would go to their concert, even if that meant going to the concert alone.

Then there are the bands for which you cross state lines.

For me, one such band is The Cure.

See, they were my musical first love. I know, I know, I’m a confessed block-head and I still listen to Menudo, but those were childhood loves. The Cure gave me lyrics that echoed in my romantic heart and helped with the heartache of my teenage years. So when I found out they were going to be on tour, and I wouldn’t be here when they came to NY, I decided to not let the opportunity go just because of geography and off I went to Virginia.

What can I say? It was maybe half of what I thought it would be. On the good side, I got to sing along with my favorite songs, finally heard Pictures of You and In between days live, just like I’d imagined when I heard them in their live album, Show. On the bad side…. I expected a rock band. I mean, a rock band: One that would engage the crowd, dance about…. But no. They didn’t really work the crowd and Robert Smith was the only one who spoke -and little at that. He also moved ever so slowly… Was he on something? Or is this how he always is? Since I’d never seen them in any live performance, I had no way to know.

Today, when I mentioned the concert to my juniors, they looked at me and said “Cure who?” And it dawned on me. I’m getting old and Robert Smith’s movements may indicate he’s getting old too.

Still, it was a worthy trip and a good concert. I can finally say that I fulfilled one of my concert dreams. Kind of like Julius Caesar, I went, I saw, I conquered I sang along. And that makes me happy.

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I’ll be loving them forever

May 16, 2008 at 11:57 pm (Music)

I was an unabashed New Kids on the Block fan when I was a teenager. I spent most of my allowance money on their posters, which only one store carried in HCA. I had a long one on my door, several ones on my walls, and tiny ones on the ceiling. My friends would come over and visit, asking to lay on my bed to see the cute New Kids on my ceiling. I was also a member of the fan club, and I shrieked when I got a letter confirming it.

When I turned 15, my mom bought me my first stereo and my uncle asked “what CD do you want me to get you? It’ll be the first you play in your new stereo”. I asked for Step by Step, and then saved all my money to buy the other CDs. Even two years ago, when on the street I found someone selling a bootleg version of their greatest hits DVD, I bought it and watched it with joy. Hey, I have not forgotten that I used to day dream that I was in the concert featured in their Hangin’ Tough video. I was a bonafide hard-core fan. (If you want to test your own level of fanatism, take the Today Show’s quiz).

You can imagine, then how, a few months ago, when their reunion was announced, I jumped with joy. I was not alone, it appeared, and even super cool chick Diablo Cody -screenwriter of Juno- confessed being a “recovering Blockhead”. Then it was denied, then confirmed again. I began searching for concert dates and a partner to go with. Alas, most people I asked so far have laughed at me and said “I’m not going to that with you!”

Then last week I find out the New Kids would be on the Today Show today, Friday the 16th of May. The people at the Today Show kept saying there’s never been such a big turnout for a concert, that there were people camping out 48 hours early. I decided to DVR it and came to work. Curious as I am, however, I couldn’t wait to go home and see the concert, so I checked it out online.

My first reaction was (and you know it if you read this post earlier today) one of repulsion and ikiness, as they looked all clumsy and old. I even thought, “wow, when Menudo reunited, they looked funny dancing in sync, but they still looked good”. I felt like the New Kid charm had left me.

Well. I was wrong. I came home and, just out of curiosity, put on the DVR recording. I was enchanted again. Apparently, the clumsiness and slowness that repulsed me early was due to the online connection in the school, not their energy on TV. I take my words, guys, you still rock! And I still think “bad boy” Donnie and short guy Danny are the cutest…

It’s decided: I am so going to the concert!! (Anybody wanna come with me? :) )

3 Comments

My anniversary*

May 16, 2008 at 11:22 am (Life)

So I finally wrote about the Graduate School story. Posted it. Then erased it. Just couldn’t have it out here. But, if you are a long-time reader and friend, you’ve earned the right to know, so check your email. If I have your address, I’ve sent it there.

*It’s been a year since it happened. Hence the title.

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Blogger, interrupted

May 15, 2008 at 2:20 am (Life)

Hi dearests,

Remember me? Not So Little Woman? The one who posted often? Yeah, that’s me. Only life has happened and I’ve had no time to write. At least not in the way I like to write. I like to take my time, compose the post, re-read it, edit it, make sure it says what I want it to say. The last two weeks, however, have not allowed for that. I’ve been to busy at work, out of town with no Internet or just plain exhausted (that last one at least now has a medical reason).

I’m hating not posting. I’ve had tons of ideas for posts. Walking down the street I’ll think of something, begin composing it in my head and then… Then I get home and all I want is to hug my fluffy child and watch some TV — hopefully without falling asleep in the process.

Things are good, though. Busy, crazy, but good. I’m happy. And spring is here. I’m hoping that things will slow down enough now that I will be able to post on the many things I’ve been wanting to post: Health discoveries that now require lifestyle changes, concerts I’ve gone to, Basil and his many antics… and everything else that makes my life the great thing that it is.

So I’m not gone, I was interrupted. But I want to keep on writing

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