In Pursuit of Wholeness

I knew he’d snap at us at some point, and today he did.

We went to see the Rockettes in the morning and about 30 minutes out, after walking through St. Patrick’s Cathedral, I asked if we were still going to the Empire State, because if we were, we were walking the wrong way.

Stepdad (super angry): If you guys don’t want to walk, then I want to go home. I don’t want to be walking with people who don’t want to do things.
Me and Mom: We were just wondering where we’re going, that’s all.
Stepdad: You know what? I think it’s better if you guys go your way and the Scientist and I go our way and we see you at NSLW’s house later.
Mom: But….
Me: OK. We’ll see you later.

I didn’t agree because I wanted to be rid of them (OK, yeah, but I would’ve stuck it out for my mom). I agreed because I knew I’d otherwise snap and it would’ve been worse.

What bothers me the most is not his treatment of me. I can deal with it. I have learned to just accept he is this way. What hurt me and angered me was to see how he hurt my mom. She felt totally dismissed and is still sad.

“I can’t understand”, she repeated over and over again, as she cried. “I can’t understand why it’s not possible to have one, just one good Holiday. Why he has to bark at us every time.”

You guys have been so sweet in your comments to the last post. Of course I have learned to live with it, because it’s my mom’s life and choice, so I shut up and believe her that they are OK and happy when the children are not there. I have also tried to talk to him about how he treats her and me. No success. In his mind, a) he’s right and b) it’s not such a big deal when he barks at us. If I mind it’s because I’m too resentful, spoiled and picky. According to him, I’m “difficult”. So there’s no solution that I can see, other than the one I’ve used for the last 10 years: Just grin and bear it, and remind myself that the clock always ticks and eventually vacations end.

As for how he is with my mom, I support her fully in whatever she asks of me. I’ll keep on being patient and believing that she is happy when they are alone. What else can I do?

Yes, my darling kids, after a whole seven days with Mom and Stepdad, it’s Bitchin’ Time. Probably even, Bitchin’ Time, vol I, if things keep going the way they’ve been going.

No, there hasn’t been any name-calling, or fighting (yet). In fact, just last night I thought to myself, “hey, this has been better than I thought”. After all, Stepdad and I had been getting along great, I was succeeding in not sweating the small stuff and laughing at things that in the past would’ve ticked me off. Mostly, I had decided to just be patient and give him a deep well in which I’d pour my patience in.

Last night, however, the well began to fill quickly, when he told me that his daughter, the Scientist, would have to stay here with us the first night because her friends could not have her over (allright, he didn’t say, but by saying “she has no place to go, I don’t know what to do”, basically told me it was here she was staying).

My mom later told me they had tried to find hotels in the city, but everything was too expensive. All right, fine. I get that. But who doesn’t check with their friends beforehand?

Then today, the Scientist told me her friend could only have her over for one night. I wanted to die. Now it was a two-day deal.

Now, don’t misunderstand me, I don’t dislike the Scientist. She is a nice girl, very smart, and though we don’t have loads in common, we can talk OK, etc. What I hate is how Stepdad acts when she is around (or her brother, for that matter). He gets even bossier with my mom and gets even more authoritative.

I have, all this week, put up with a lot. His rudeness to my mom, his arbitrary decisions, etc. I also made my peace with the fact that my house is not mine for 10 days. All because I was trying to be a better person, a loving daughter to my mom, and even because he seemed to be -for the most part- in a good mood. But last night, when I was informed -not asked- that the Scientist would stay here, I lost all patience. I felt disrespected and invaded. And then to find out that she perhaps would stay two days instead of once was too much. The update, of course, is, that she did leave and is spending the night with her friend and with the way things flow, she may not even sleep here at all and my anger may have been in vain. Still, the point is, the anxiety was created and it irritates me.

The worst part is that my mom can tell I’m pissed because a) my face betrays me and b) I’ve started to not shut up (example: at dinner, Stepdad said “I want a coffee” I said… “please?” He didn’t say a thing, but my mom looked at me. She realized I had had enough of the bossing). I don’t want trouble, but I hate that whenever we do things with him, things have to be his way.

I also hate that I feel guilty for getting so angry. I hate the familial brainwashing of feeling you can’t get angry at family members and people you love. They are family, they’ve been so good to you, how can you not be patient? How can you get angry? I hate, I hate, the guilt.

Oh, and you know what else? He came in with a cold and gave it to me. I spent 3 days (including Christmas day) sick and with a a fever.

Yesterday was my last day of work for the semester. The kids are on vacation and I am free. Or at least I was fully free today and will be fully free on Jan. 4. From tonight on (in about one hour) to Jan. 3rd, my mom and step dad will be staying with me on their Holiday vacation.

Oy. Where do I start about that? I’ve managed to cover all kinds of feeling regarding that visit: from complete and acute anxiety when my mom first “informed” me about it, to giddiness at seeing her, to a current feeling of doom. Like when you are in a roller coaster sitting in front and you can see what’s ahead of you: It is somewhat exciting, yet you are dreading it, but know it will come and there’s nothing you can do.

If you are a long-time reader of this blog you know that my relationship with my step dad is -to put it midly- conflicted. This visit, therefore, has been a cause of much stress, “lovely” IBS days, and very difficult conversations with my mom. Yes, step dad was very sweet when the whole Florida/The Engineer debacle took place. To begin with, he gave me the money to move there, and when it went down the drain, he supported me and my mom through the whole process.
Throughout all of it, however, I was very anxious, because I didn’t want to be “indebted” to him at all. You may argue that if he helped it was out of the goodness of his own heart, and you may be right; but you also do not know the workings of my family, where one can never complain, because “So-and-So has been sooo nice to you, how can you get angry with him/her?”. With him helping me, I feared one day I would be asked to pay back with interest. And not in money, but in patience.

His impending arrival worried me: Would he be mean to Basil? To me? Would he respect my boundaries? Lord only knows. Mom has talked to him and I will do my best. It could be great, it could be horrible. Pray for me and cross your fingers.

They have just arrived.