Hello, Beloved

August 27, 2007 at 11:21 am (NY)

We met several years ago. I was alone and in a time when I needed to think a lot. You were there for me and helped me see some things better. I was alone and you kept me company.

I didn’t think our paths would meet again, but then, three years ago, I found myself around you once more.

Our first year was troublesome. I found myself odd around you, didn’t really trust you and felt something missing in my heart. You were also very cold for a very long time. I couldn’t quite get used to that. I wasn’t taking to you, and it seemed, you weren’t taking to me either.

But then, slowly, almost without noticing, things began to change. As time passed, you became warmer. I got to know you better, discovered your secrets and all the things you had to offer. I found you interesting, funny, intellectually rich, and very, very welcoming. There were bad things, of course, as with any relationship. Dirty secrets, angry, loud moments. You even gave me deep moments of loneliness with which I could not cope. But like any true love and relationship, the good always outweighed the bad and I fell in love with you. Even your cold episodes I began to like. You became my companion and gave me quiet dinners, long walks; afternoons sipping coffee and reading a good book.

Time, always so slow when we want it to advance, goes invariably fast when things are good. Out of nowhere three years had passed. Life, with its ebbs and flows, separated us. It hurt more than I thought it would. Having had such a difficulty loving you, I thought leaving you would be easy. But it wasn’t. With losing you I was losing a lot: Not just your company, but that of the friends I had built around you. I resigned myself to remembering you and hoping for a chance to see you again.

Yet what seemed the end turned out to be a beginning. And unexpectedly, when I thought I was putting you behind me, we came together again. And I realized how much I had missed you.

Now you are back in my life, and thanks to you, I have, again, long walks on warm evenings, outings around town with dear friends, sips of chai tea while browsing books.

Thanks to you, and all you bring to my life, I have the chance to begin again. To laugh, cry, fall, and get up once more. I have the chance to pursue this wholeness that seems so elusive and whose pursuit -I’m realizing- is really what’s important.

This evening, after one such afternoon of strolling through the streets with a dear friend, in the middle of all that is you, I realized that despite the things that trouble my heart right now, I am very happy to be here with you, my beloved New York.

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Thank You’s and Thoughts

August 23, 2007 at 9:00 am (Friends)

Darlings,

These weeks have been long and tough, and I expect them to remain tough, as there is still healing and settling to be done.

But I want to hand down thank you’s, because they are all more than well-deserved.

To Miss M: Lucky that you were in Florida too and could come help me move out, host me in your house and drive me to the airport. You are by far the best roommate EVER put on this earth. I’m so happy that I’ll get to see you in NY. We may no longer live together, but we’re both in the city!

To Violet: Tough love is the best love. And in the past week you showed me a lot of great love. No words can tell how much you helped and how your coming to hug me hello today meant the world to me. I was able to cry a bit, and as you know, I need to do it, so I can start healing. ¡Gracias, por todo!

To the Teacher and the Knitter: You both are far away, but you both helped with your advice. After all, you have known me the longest and can tell, just by my voice, what’s going on.

To the RedHead: Thanks for offering the couch. You also listened, helped and supported. Now you know why we could not say good-bye three weeks ago. I didn’t really leave, did I?

To Basil: You can’t read this, puppy, but your love is true and you make me laugh. That’s all I really need and you know it. You even went and got a seizure. That’s how concerned you were for me. “Is he stressed?”Asked the doctor. Boy were you ever. But I got the hint. We’re back home, and you know it, because you run for the apartment door faster than I could unleash you!

And last, but CERTAINLY not least:
To Me, *kb*, Jen, daisy, Gewels, Meghan and Bejeweled, (whose blogging I still miss):
Phew. Wow. How can I begin to thank you guys? From offering your support and advice, to offering phone numbers and welcoming me to visit you, I feel cyber-hugged by you. I feel happy and blessed that I have you guys in my life, as fellow travelers on this journey. Know that my couch and shoulder to cry on are here for you guys too, should you ever need them.

*****

Today as the plane was landing, I looked out the window. When I saw the buildings, the yellow taxis, the skyline of Manhattan in the distance, my eyes filled with tears. I felt exactly the same way I felt in August 2004 when I first moved to NY and looked out the window of the plane. I knew, right then, that I was starting a new chapter in my life. I felt that way again today. Except it’s bittersweet. I miss him terribly and in many ways, finding myself back here again so soon feels like a failure. And before you say it, I know I’m not. But I feel like it. I was right. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Violet commended me for my courage. I somehow can’t feel it yet.

And I so desperately want to cry. I’m a crier, you see. I cry when I’m angry, I cry when I’m tired, I cry, I cry, I cry. But when I’m really, deeply, seriously sad, I can’t cry. I didn’t cry when my great-aunt, my grandma or grandpa died. I didn’t cry when I left home. I know that not crying is a sign of how bad things are. And I can’t cry yet. But I need to, because I know that that’s when I’ll start to get better. That’s also when I’ll start breathing again. I keep exhaling and sighing like I’m out of breath. I think that’s my body wanting to vent, and it’s doing so literally.

I know one day I’ll look back and be happy this happened, be stronger for it, be better for it. For now, though, I can’t. I’m sad, I’m tired, I’m scared, and I miss him.

Still, tomorrow is a new day. And I’ll keep on getting up and going on, until the day I realize I’ve finally gotten better.

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Raining

August 21, 2007 at 4:53 am (The Engineer)

I’m sad, as you guys would figure. And I’ve not packed at all, even though the movers come tomorrow. Perhaps if I cried, I’d feel better, and get some packing done. But try as I may, I can’t seem to be able to do it, even though I’ve been on the verge of tears all day long.

It’s raining here in south Florida, though. I know it’s the tail of hurricane Dean hitting us. But I’d rather think that the weather is in sync with my heart, and it’s doing my crying for me.

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How?

August 20, 2007 at 10:59 am (The Engineer)

How do you get out of a three year relationship that, with its ups and downs never really left your life?

How do you accept that after all you’ve done, it still didn’t work out?

How do you convince yourself that taking the job and leaving is the right thing to do when your heart wants so desperately to stay?

How do you explain to your heart that no matter how much fun you have with your beloved, how much you work well in so many aspects, no matter how much you love him, it still has come to an end?

How do you find the courage to leave?

How do you begin to forget? Forget his kisses, his laughter, his hugs, the way his hands feel when they touch yours; the way he smells?

How do you process that fights this ugly and pain this strong comes from someone who says they love you?

How do you come to therms with the fact that no matter how much you love, it’s not enough?

You remind yourself that when you told him that you would stay because you love him and asked him point-blank if he thought you were the one and he was sure he wanted you in his life, he didn’t answer. You remind yourself that when pressed, he confessed that he didn’t answer because he couldn’t: He is not sure you are the one, despite the fact that he says he is sure he loves you.

It all boiled down to that. I would’ve taken the silly retail job, I would’ve cleaned and cooked and played housewife, and done it happily. I would’ve not cared about job, work visas and income taxes, if only he had been able to tell me, in word and deed, that I am the one. Five months ago he said I was. Now things have changed and he is not sure I am.

I cannot magically make him love me as I need to be loved. I have finally understood that he loves me the best that he can and that he is not ready. I have finally understood that what kept me here, coming back and trying to make it work was the knowledge that he has a great heart: that he is a good man. I thought if maybe I waited enough, loved him enough, he’d mature and finally we’d be able to be happy. Now I know it has to come from him. And that maybe it’s not so much about trying or loving, as of being compatible and right for one another. Or maybe, as he said in a conversation, he is still not ready. Whatever the reason, I cannot stay. I want to be fully loved and accepted for who I am.

I have a ticket purchased, I’ve started to organize my stuff to pack it and ship it back to NY, I will leave in two days. Yet my heart is broken and I really would love to stay.

But I remind myself every time I falter, that he is not 100% percent convinced I am for him. I know there are no guarantees in life, and that maybe nobody is ever 100% sure because we don’t control it all. I know. But I think one can be 100% sure that one wants to take the risk in love with someone. I was ready to do that with BF. But it takes more than just me.

These last few days have been misery. Leaving him is probably the hardest think I will have done so far in these 31 years of age. There are times I even think this is a mistake and I should’ve decided to stay. Then I remember he is not sure. After three years if you are not sure, then it’s not there, no matter how in love you are. And I cannot stay.

But the questions remain in my heart: Am I making a big mistake in leaving?

And most importantly:

How will I forget him?

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The Facts

August 16, 2007 at 5:36 am (The Engineer)

Fact: There are no jobs for me around here. None that I would take, anyways. It may be presumptuous of me, but I won’t work in something else than what I studied

Fact: There are jobs for me in NY, Washington, Chicago…

Fact: I got a job in NY. I have to call back and say yes or no.

Fact: When I told the BF about it, he said to go, because he’s seen me so sad and frustrated about being jobless, that he knows I need to get my life in order. He said he loves me, won’t hold it against me.

Fact: Before I got the call from NY, I knew I might have to leave for any of those cities to find a job I can be happy with.

Fact: I know everything says to leave. But the fact that the BF loves me enough to let me go, makes me want to stay instead.

Fact: I’m 31 years old. I used to be someone who didn’t doubt her decisions. Now I’m the queen of indecisiveness. Not good, not good.

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If looking for a job is so much work, why can´t I get paid to do it?

August 15, 2007 at 9:08 pm (Uncategorized)

Today marks the end of my first month of unemployment. I’ve paid all my bills, have only $36 in the bank, but I´ll worry about that beginning Sept. 1st.

What I am doing, is looking for a job. Boy is that fun (gagging noise)! And of course, the most fun, is that doing that is a job on it´s own. Pity I can’t get paid.

Being a good student, I’ve applied everything the career center chick told me to do. I’ve applied everywhere and called to follow up, etc. I even have a spreadsheet listing where I’ve applied to, who the contact person is, etc, etc, etc.

Most of the places I’ve applied to are less than a dream job. Two are marvelously dreamy and I’m holding out hope for them. The first would involve me traveling to my dear ol’ Mexico and getting paid to do so. The other is the teaching job in NY. I’ve called Mr. Assistant Director and asked to see if I could still take it. They said they’d get back to me. This one would involve leaving the BF, but as we’ve seen I might have to, anyways, no?

While -hopefully- either one of those two come forth, I continue my search.

Turns out, though, that for an individual like me, there are little things that work. Why? One: I’m not a citizen, so few people want to take on the duty of sponsors. Two: I have two masters in a liberal arts field, and while I don’t mind working as a cashier on Whole Foods, for example, I’d rather get a job in the field I studied in. 12 years of school and a lot of sacrifice do not deserve to be put in a back burner. It’s not that I’m being snobby. But there’s a reason I studied what I studied and I’d really like to get a job where I can use all of that. Sad thing is, there aren’t many of those.

Yet, I push through.

But it is fuckin’ exhausting. If I see one more “bi-lingual sales rep for communications company” ad, I’m going to choke.

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Surrender or nothing?

August 15, 2007 at 9:23 am (The Engineer)

It’s been almost two weeks here. Things are strange.

Three years of trying to bridge the gap of geography and all the issues the distance created. Now that I’m here and we’ve had a couple of horrible fights I wonder if we’re just too different. Things started OK, but after the fights it’s been strange. And I wonder if out of three years of trying to work it out long distance, two very different people have come out of the tunnel. Both are honest, both say they are in love but only one drives the relationship car with love on the front seat. The one drives the car with a proviso of “I’m holding my love on the back seat until we smooth things over.’ I ask: How can we smooth things over if you won’t truly let go into the love? He answers: We’ve suffered enough already. I’m not suffering again if this doesn’t work out this time.

I too, am afraid. But I know it won’t work unless the surrender to love is complete. I’m trying my best to do that, despite my fear. I also know, though, that it won’t work out unless he really surrenders himself to love. I can’t make this work all on my own.

I can only think of two options as to what is going on here: He’s too scared of us failing and thus won’t surrender, or of the two creatures in the room with me, only one is really, truly in love with me. And it’s not him. It’s my dog Basil.

Then again, I too, have changed. Maybe my love is not the same as before and no matter how much I work or surrender to it, it’s not meant to be.

I don’t know.

I didn’t think this was going to be this way. I feel very empty, very sad.

Sigh.

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