Is it really that much work?

January 31, 2007 at 4:45 am (Uncategorized)

Ages ago, when I first had broken up with the Ex and was desperate for advice, I signed up for a newsletter on “how to keep a man”. I don’t even know how I found it, but I did. Now my in-box gets periodical emails reminding me that if I want to find a man, I need to attend a seminar or buy a set of books from this guy.

The other night, out of curiosity, I opened one of the emails. It was ridiculously long. But it offered some advice and several links. I clicked on the one above, and I found several things that the website would “help me” with. The ones that most caught my eye were:

“The ten fatal mistakes to avoid that most women make with men./The differences in how men and women think about dating… and why most men want to keep you from being successful./ The seven secrets to communicating with a man that will create lasting love and affection./ The truth about men who aren’t “emotionally available”… how to know if you’ve got one and what to do if you’re dating one. /The five things women do that annoy men and kill intimacy.”

There were also mini videos of the seminar and “testimonials” of women who’ve taken it. They all said how much they’ve learned about themselves, about men, and how they now know “what they were doing wrong”.

I had had enough. And I was enraged that relationship advice be sold as “we women need to understand the men”. In other words, “women, do the job, carry the weight. Men are not gonna do squat.” urgh. I mean! I get that nobody is perfect, that a relationship takes work, maturity and stuff, and that at times it’s useful to be let into how the other sex thinks and works. But I hate the notion implied by this website and many, many other things in society, that to find a meaningful relationship, a woman has to be the one to do the work. The one to get into the guy’s head, to change her behavior, to bend over backwards. (If anyone has seen those videos or read the books and actually thinks I may be wrong and are empowering for women, correct me, I don’t want to bark in vain).

I come from a wonderful, loving family, no doubt about it. But it’s a Hispanic family after all, and I can’t tell you how many times I heard the “oh, boys will be boys” speech and the ever-lovely “a woman needs to adapt, men will never change” line. Really? REALLY? Advice such as that one and the messages from websites like the one above, are the things that got me to put up with crap for years, to think that if I didn’t have a perfect behavior and perfect face and perfect patience, I would lose any man. It all made me feel like it was my fault and my job to make a relationship work.

Is it really that much work, then? I don’t think so. I think both sides need maturity, good communication, and BOTH sides need to understand the other and make it work. It most definitely is not just the woman’s job.

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Confession

January 25, 2007 at 12:38 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m tired of being lonely. I really, really want someone to love me, someone to love. Someone to cook for (he can do the dishes), someone to cuddle with, someone to share all my goofiness with, someone to care for, someone to hug me and be my big blanket on days like today, when I feel overwhelmed with school work and with stupid deadlines that should not happen so soon on the semester.

And I’ve really been trying to not write about this. Because I hate that I feel this way. Why? Because I feel that I need to be happy on my own, not need a “man” to make that happiness. Everyone tells me that’s the place to be, to be happy being content and on our own, to be happy being alone, rather than perhaps settle for less. I know all that. I GIVE THAT ADVICE. But honestly, tonight, after working all afternoon on a paper, and feeling like my head is going to explode, I dread the idea that I’m going to bed alone. Yes, the pooch will be there, but it’s not the same to have a dog crowding the bed than to have a man hugging you and falling asleep next to you.

One thing I loved about the Ex and I is that no matter how shitty the day had been, the moment we got in bed and hugged each other, the world was OK. And I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about just laying there, in each others arms, just feeling the other breathing. That feeling made the other things in life go away and it recharged me for another day. I miss that.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s the Ex and only the Ex I would want. While it’s true that I still miss him, because before the big tears and messes we really had made each other happy and had a relationship whose level of love, comfort and “perfectness for each other” amazed friends and family, I am not necessarily pining for him. If anything, having had that with him showed me it was possible to have such a thing with someone. So yeah, more than “him”, I’m wishing and hoping for a “one” to have that again with.

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Update on the GradStudent

January 23, 2007 at 9:00 pm (Uncategorized)

I saw him yesterday!! I was going down the stairs and he was going up. He looked in a hurry but we looked at each other. Again, I got so nervous I only smiled a bit. He looked like he kinda didn’t know who I was and kept on going. No clue as to whether he didn’t recognize me or was just in a hurry. But I saw him, saw him, saw him!!

Mental note: Will hang out around that floor next Monday at around the same time. I know, a bit stalker-y, but what the heck!

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One weird and at times scary weekend

January 23, 2007 at 5:23 am (Uncategorized)

Oy. I had one bizarre Saturday night. Who would’ve thought one tiny night would pack so many events? It’ll be a long post, but here it is:

Sat. night I was invited to a friend’s birthday party. It was huge and since I hardly knew anyone other than the birthday boy, I asked my friend Meg to come along. After all, her bethroted is out of town for some time and I didn’t want her sitting at home alone. So we went and stayed for about one hour because it was mainly a male-bonding extravaganza with my friend and his buddies drinking and hugging each other while stating how much they loved each other. You know how they get. On the way out one of the drunken boys tried to do some sort of humping dance with me and tried to kiss me because “You look 20 but are 30!” Yeah, well. I’d already seen him kiss half of the other girls in the party so I wasn’t gonna go for that, waaay too much DNA swapping. The kiss landed on my cheek.

Once we left, we headed to another party, met up with some other friends (and even some cousins!) and danced a bit.

Now, to get the rest of the story we need to take a detour: Last year at a bar, I met a very cute guy. We shall call him MarketingMan, as that’s what he does for a living. We hung out, he got my number, escorted me home, kissed me and tried for more, but I sent him home. He invited me to a party with him and we agreed he’d call me with the details. He never did and then called me to complain I had not showed up. We went through the back-and-forth of “you told me you’d call me, no you told me you would call me” and eventually settled to try again assuming he was really remorseful as he apologized thoroughly. For ages our schedules didn’t work until finally we had date and went to get Korean food, which he’d never tried before and therefore was completely excited about. We then watched a movie in his house and made out on his couch. He gave me a book for Christmas (no biggies here, it was on his shelf, I asked about it and he just gave it to me) and I went home. Two days later he returned to Spain, where he’s from, to spend Christmas. He called when he got back, and true to form, our schedules never worked. Until… Saturday…

When I texted him from the party I was at, asking what he was doing, did he want to come meet me. He called back, saying he was home with a bunch of friends, could he bring them along? I said yes, gave him the address and withing 15 minutes he was at the bar. Great hugs and a big kiss later, we are hanging out. He introduces me to a bunch of his friends, I introduce him to mine, etc. We have a drink together, he tells me he is going back for another one and… never comes back but stays at the bar talking to his friends. Meanwhile, there’s no coat check, so me and my friends are standing/dancing next to all of our coats making sure nobody steals them. I’m specially paranoid because MarketingMan did not want to leave his coat there (“it’s Italian and super expensive”). Keep a note of this, this is important for later.

I’m dancing with my friends and one of MarketingMan’s friends comes over and starts hitting on me, telling me how he looooves that I’m doing a PhD (“I love smart women”) and how he has visited one of my home countries several times and thinks it’s heaven. Then he asks how I know MarketingMan. I tell him MarketingMan and I have gone on a couple of dates. His eyes open wide and he goes… “Ohh… Well, he’s my friend, so I can’t hit on you now, it’s not right. But just a piece of advice, since you are [insert my citizenship here] and that’s such a beautiful country and you are such a smart woman, and therefore I don’t want you to be in trouble, you should know that though he is a nice man you’ve gotta stay five steps ahead of him. He’s my friend and all, but you should know.” Okkkk. So Spanish men do not have “Bros. before Hos” mentality, apparently. I thank him for his advice, he goes away and I smile because he has just confirmed the suspicions I had about MarketingMan since the day I met him: He’s here for fun and is a player.

I go talk to Meg who has been talking to MarketingMan’s brother. She is furious. Turns out MarketingMan tried to give her a peck on the lips and MarketingMan’s brother was trying to pry her engagement ring off her because she was “too pretty to be engaged to a man who had left the city and was not there to ‘guard’ his possession”. Immediately we decide to leave. Meanwhile, I’ve kept my eye on our coats and MarketingMan’s is still there. I go to the bathroom and when I return, his coat is gone. Just his. Meg has mine and hers and my cousin (whom we had run into there), Alex, has her own. I go to tell him we’re leaving and he does the following: First he throws a fit about coming to the club to be with me and now I’m leaving? I reply with the logical “You’ve been hanging out with your friends all night, not with me, so I’m leaving”. So he changes mood and decides to accompany me home. Goes to find his jacket and gets all mad it’s not there, he told me he shouldn’t leave it there, etc, etc,etc. I feel horrible, apologize and tell him I saw it right before I went to the bathroom. I help look for it and when it doesn’t show up, I offer to pay for a new one. He replies, just loud enough for me to hear: “You couldn’t afford it”. So he decides he’s not going anywhere without his coat and I decide I don’t care.

We leave, put Alex in a cab headed home (she lives in the exact opposite direction as Meg and I) and when we’re walking to get our own cab, MarketingMan calls asking where I am, can he come meet me, although he is freezing. Whatever. Just as I am getting into the stride of how wrong it was for him to come to the bar, ignore me and then give me hell for not looking at his coat for 2 minutes, Meg interrupts me to tell me there’s a car following us. I turn and sure enough, two guys in a silver car are following us. We decide to walk faster and they speed up and turn into the curb a little ahead of us effectively blocking our path. My only reaction is to turn around, grab Meg and run in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, MarketingMan is still on the phone, asking what’s up. But I can’t even tell him, I’m shaking so hard and hyperventilating of fear. Meg grabs the phone and goes to town on him. Tells him what has happened and how this would not have happened had he been a gentleman and escorted us home. “Oh, and by the way,” she adds, “thank you so much for telling NSLW that she could not afford to pay for your coat after she spent all night making sure nobody stole it”. Then she handed me back the phone.

The men in the silver car left and we eventually calmed down and got a cab home. MarketingMan insisted in seeing me on Sunday and just to get off the phone I told him fine. Of course we haven’t spoken since.

Now, I pose the same question with which I started this post: Who would’ve thought one tiny night would pack so many events?

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Roadblocks, schmarlocks

January 20, 2007 at 12:12 pm (Life)

The real reason I am not willing to give anybody a chance is that I’m still in love with the Ex.

Today I took the dreaded language proficiency test I had set as a New Year’s commitment. And I was happy. Super happy. And I wanted to call him, tell him it was done, rejoice with him. I didn’t, instead I cried. Because I have not stopped thinking of him, I have not stopped missing him, I have not stopped loving him.

I’ve gone back on the Friendly Reminders. Some of them hold true, some of them my sadness has forgiven. Mostly, I’m hanging on to the part that he can’t say he loves me. I don’t know if he does or if he doesn’t. Either way, it’s what’s important because from there many things begin. If he loves me, he needs to say it. Not for me to know, but for him to face it, as I believe that is one of the problems (I’ve said it before, it would mean growing up). If he doesn’t love me, well, he doesn’t.

I realize that to some people my blog is a downer. I know that’s how it probably is. But I don’t apologize for it. I need to vent somewhere. And about the Ex, don’t worry, I haven’t called him. Though I still don’t know what to do with my heart. And with the tears that insist on coming out.

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Roadblocks, part I

January 19, 2007 at 11:27 am (Life)

I’m starting to realize that this ‘getting over the Ex’ thing is going to be more difficult than I thought. Because I’m scared shitless. And that fear causes me to freeze and come up with random reasons why none of the guys that are currently in the radar ‘will do’ for me. Now, I’m not saying I have a thousand men at my door, and I know I will not get over the Ex and start being in the dating world until I actually date men. The only way to get over the slump is to go out on dates. I know. But it scares me. And then I freeze. In the pursuit of “thawing”, I’ve been doing some thinking, and talking to my awesome therapist. But first, a little background, so you can get why dating is now so scary for me. And since it’s long, it’ll be in installments.

Roadblocks, part I

My parents met in college. They were from two different countries and from slightly different social spheres. Meaning: They both came from upper-middle class families, but one’s family had been there for decades, while the other’s was one of those “my dad was a self-made man” kind of family. From having nothing, they had moved up and now had small luxuries. This eventually would be a problem, but we’ll get to that later.

So they met, fell in love (apparently, we’ll also return to this) and after a brief long-distance period right after graduation, married. They both jobs in the same international non-profit and proceeded to move all over the place (case in point, by the time I was 4 I had lived in 4 different countries). But things did not go smoothly with them. They were fighting for as long as I can remember (In fact, I only have one -ONE- memory of them happy together. And it’s very fuzzy).

Long story short, by the time I was 6 they had separated and by the age of 10, divorced. Afterwards, I didn’t see my father much: My mom and I returned back to her home country, divorce politics took hold and I didn’t see my dad. When I turned 18 I moved in with him before going to college and with time and therapy reestablished the relationship.

But the scars of surviving my parents’ divorce are deep and sometimes not wholly healed. One such scar is the knowledge that by the time I was born my mother was no longer happy or in love with my father (she told me so). And after her confession that she married him because she was ‘getting on in years’ and ‘thought she’d miss the boat’ I have started to wonder if she ever was truly in love with him (now you know why I wrote ‘apparently’ about their falling in love above). Her thought about why it didn’t work out in the end is that they were too different, and that after they married he changed. My dad says exactly the same thing, but about her. And they are both very bitter about how things turned out. So if there is one thing I have had CLEAR for many years it’s that I won’t marry anyone who I am not completely in love with and with whom I feel I can be complete me and who is the right partner for me. I will not settle, like my mom did, and I won’t pretend that the things I don’t like in my partner will change with time and with the sacrifices and compromises one is told have to be made in order to have a good marriage.

So now you see it: Roadblock number one: I do not want to repeat my parents’ story.

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The GradStudent

January 13, 2007 at 3:35 am (Uncategorized)

The GradStudent is a cute guy who goes to the same school as I do. He’s also from the same country I come from. And he’s super cute. And his real name is my favorite name in the world for a guy.
*Grin*.

I put my eye on him at the end of last semester at a bar where we “nationals” had gathered for some fun. He came in as I was leaving. But we caught each other’s eye. Then about a week later, I saw him having lunch with HisFriend. HisFriend and I had met before but every time we would run into each other, he always acted like he didn’t know who I was. Me -being who I am and not taking crap- always called him out on it. That day at the restaurant HisFriend stopped me as I was leaving, introduced me to GradStudent and we chatted a bit. However, in my nerves, I think I kinda ignored GradStudent and ended up walking out with HisFriend’s business card. I mean, with all the turmoil with the Ex and feeling like I’m numb, meeting a guy that I actually find cute now causes major nerves, so I acted all goofy…. But I digress. The point is that HisFriend said I should email him so we can “all stay in touch”. I did email him, in the hopes that that way I would see more of GradStudent. I mean, I don’t even know if he’s single, but I’d love to find out (At least at the bar the first time I saw him he was alone).

So. The semester ended and I kept thinking of GradStudent because he is very cute and he kinda looked like he thought I was cute too. My idea was that when the New Year started I would try to see more of him. Problem is: Now that the semester is starting again and we are all on campus, I keep running into HisFriend everywhere, but not him. And today, after a brief chit-chat with HisFriend, I got the feeling that he thinks I’m interested in him and not the GradStudent. Yikes! See, as I said, I always would call him out on the fact that he ignored me, or I teased him about being late to meetings, etc. But I do that because of my personality, not because I like someone, necessarily.

So now I’m invited to a bar with a lot of “nationals” this Saturday. I’m tempted to go, but a) It’s far away and I’d have to go alone b) I have agreed to go to another friend’s dinner already (though it’s gonna end early, I can probably make it to both) c) I’d go to see GradStudent, though I don’t even know if he’d be there and I don’t want it to seem that HisFriend is the one I like.

Umph. What to do, what to do, what to dooooo??

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In the end, we do what we need to do to survive

January 10, 2007 at 9:11 am (The Engineer)

Ay, ay, ay darlings. You guys have been wonderful and commented on how much you admire that I was strong and not telling the Ex his friendly reminders.

The reason for my anger -besides the fact that I felt my space and requests violated- was that I felt that no matter what I did I was pulled into his scheme. So I had to figure out my options and see which one was the best one. Option a) not calling, was the right one, but I still was angry, saddened and frustrated. Option b) was calling and talking, wich was still hurtful, but at least I would get the chance to give him the one-two-three. I had decided on option A. I would not call and instead, vent here in the blog.

What you guys don’t know is that despite having poured my anger out here I still was not finished with the issue. And after a few hours of sleepless frustration and remainding anger, I realized I did want to tell him those things. I knew that if I called I’d be getting back into his game and giving him what he wanted. But I also knew that if I did not respond he would call or text again. And honestly, what I was needed to be left alone. So I armed myself with courage and called him on Monday morning. It needed to be done.

I won’t bore you guys with the specifics, but it boils down to the following pattern: I requested no more calls or texts. He got upset and stated he just needed to let me know what he felt. I replied with my usual reply in the many previous discussions of this kind we’ve had: Is there something behind the “I miss you”? Some committment, discovery as to his feelings for me? He answered with silence and a frustrated voice of “I… dunno… It’s complicated”

So what did I do? I essentially read him the Friendly Reminders. I did. Opened the laptop and loaded the blog. Halfway through he kind of tried to blackmail me: “Fine! I won’t call you ever! Not even if I realize I am in love with you”. My reply? “Fine, if that’s what you feel you need to do, I understand” HA! I’m not falling for that, Mister!

I finished the list and he said he now understood why I needed to only be called if he was sure. He understood why it hurt me if he kept on coming in and out of my life, specially when I had asked that the correct attitude was “out”. And we left it at that. Civilized, nice.

I really, really hope this is the end of this whole saga. I’m emotionally tired, I have a big semester coming up in school and I really could use some peace. Besides, my darling Violet (who has been married to the love of her life for a year now) gave me a very loving, very strong piece of advice: She knows I’m afraid of moving on, of having a different person in my life, of potentially being hurt again. But her point was this: This is not healthy, nor conducive to anything I really want. She pointed out that she had this same type of situation with the person she dated before her husband came into her life. Her final line: “I let go of him and told him I didn’t want to hear from him again. And look where I am now. I am happy. I found what I really wanted.”

I think it’s time I do the same.

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Friendly reminders for you:

January 8, 2007 at 12:16 pm (The Engineer)

Dear darling Ex,

I know you are not going to read this, as you don’t even know this blog exists, but I’m still telling you, because that way I get it out and don’t call you. Here are some friendly reminders.

1. If a girl repeatedly tells you she needs her space to heal, forgive you and heck, clear her mind and see where she stands in regards to your ever coming back to her, RESPECT HER WISHES. Don’t call, email, text or otherwise invade her space. Yes, I get that you may feel that you can’t not reach out. You need to tell her what you feel, remind her you care for her, etc. But she has asked you to leave her be. Don’t be manipulative, pushy and -yes, because it is- selfish. By not respecting her you are actually accomplishing the opposite of what you want. You are actually driving her further away.

2. If you absolutely, immediately have to call, do it WHEN YOU ARE DAMN SURE OF WHAT YOU WANT. Calling or texting to say “I’m thinking of you” without any other information, attitude or maturity that might otherwise change her mind is not enough.

3. Understand, or try to, that doing such calls, texts, etc two weeks, even two months into a breakup are hard to believe. You are going through deep change? Great! Becoming a greater man? Even better. But finish the changes. Make up your mind and then we’ll talk. Such sudden changes feel panicky, not profound commitments.

4. Do not act all wounded and victimized if she doesn’t call back or pick up the phone. You’ve put this girl through the ringer, she has patiently waited for you (like, say, for almost two years) and been hurt again and again, always giving you another chance. When you needed time and space she gave it to you. When you were confused she understood. And now that she needs her space, is tired of waiting and therefore has extracted herself from your life, she’s suddenly selfish? Not loving? This is not a funnel, wide for you and thin for her. What’s fair is fair and though it hurts, it’s what it is.

5. Grow up. I’ve finally come to realize that this whole inability to figure out if you are in love with me has two possible reasons: You either are not in love with me and just can’t accept it for whatever reason and therefore cannot let me go, or, you are in love with me but you can’t say it because you know that what you need to do is grow up, make the changes you say you need to make and become the man you know you need to be to be with me. I’m not saying I’m perfect or have no flaws or anything. Not by far. But I think you know what I’m talking about. I won’t settle for less than someone who loves me, respects me and gives me a proper place in his life. That’s not asking for much. So if you and I are meant to be, we will be. But you need to grow up.

Until then and until you figure out if you love me and what you are willing to do to make me love you again, don’t call me.

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This is why journaling/blogging/plain ol’ writing helps

January 6, 2007 at 1:42 pm (Life)

My mom once gave me a book full of advice from a mother to her children. One such advice said that anger is like a pie crust. Give it time, and it softens.
Another advice someone gave me was that whenever I was feeling anything, I should write it down because “paper can withstand it all”. I think in this modern world, it’s also true that the keybord and blogging template withstand it all.

Today I’ve been re-reading some of my posts. It’s true. My anger towards the Ex, with a couple of days, has subsided. Last night I had one final conversation with the him because I felt that while it was ok to be so angry, he was convinced I hated him, which I don’t and I needed to tell him that. So we chatted for a bit and ended things nicely. I repeated my need to be alone and his need to clear his life of the issues that prevent us from thriving. We agreed we still love each other but need the time apart, no matter how much it hurts. I repeated that since part of my pain was that I waited for so long and nothing had happened, I will not wait for him now and that is the risk he has to live with. I also realize he may find someone else and I may never see him again. But then again I have to believe that my life will take me to the person I need to be with. If it’s him, it’ll be him.

Keeping on the re-reading, I also found that things that I felt at some points, still hold the same weight and importance as on the day I wrote them.

“I know what I need now. I need my space, my time to figure things out and I need to know that all this love is real [...]. If this is really “the real deal” for him, that he truly loves me, then he needs to put his money where his mouth is and give me the space I need and show me that the feelings are solid and I can trust him again. He needs to work on his side of things, I will work on mine. I get to be selfish now, because I feel that that’s the only way I will be able to be a good partner, a good lover.”

Amen to that. It’s good to see that what I knew a month ago I still know to be true. Lord knows I love that man. But for so many months things sucked and I think I just kept on going because of the fact that at one point I felt he was “the one”. After all this roller coaster, I am not sure. So yes. I get to be selfish again. I need to have peace in my heart for a while.

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