No, honestly. That’s why I’ve been gone from the blog world. Deal with a break up and take a long, nice Thanksgiving vacation and return to such a mess in grad school that you cannot possibly blog (at least not in the way you like).
Since I don’t necessarily feel like recapping over one month’s of stories… Here’s a quick recap… If there is a request for “expansion” of material, I shall indulge.
Thanksgiving break happened as expected. I went home, arrived at an extravagant early time (which is why family members were not there), was picked up at the airport by the Entrepreneur (‘member him?), who insisted this would be the “first” of many times we would see each other in the week I was there. OK… I wanted to see him, you know, catch up. Thanks to some of you and some friends I had already decided I wasn’t sleeping with him or anything, since his marital status was probably still complicated. And boy was I right! On the lovely one-hour car ride to my house, he let it slip that he is in therapy with his wife and that they are back to sharing the same bed. Needless to say, at that moment I was very glad not only of my decision to not sleep with him, but of my even bigger resolve to not let any feelings develop for this guy. Anyways, he dropped me off at home, promised to call back and make plans and…. I’ve yet to see him again. He did call, mind you, but his eternal line was “my schedule is packed, let me see what I can work out” and obviously took forever to call and when he did was to say “won’t be able to make it”. Wah, wah, wah. Honestly! Such a big fuss about my arrival only to blow me off? Please. And I know, I know, he is married, blah, blah, I should not be upset… But that is WHY I am upset! Just admit this is your life, dude, don’t make it like it’s this hell that you can’t wait for me to rescue you from. You don’t want or can’t get out of it… So do not put the stress on me about that. Oh, by the way, now that I am back in NY, he of course is repentant and now wants to come see me, because you know, he loves me. Whatever. I’m done with that.
On other matters, the Ex was also hovering, remember? Well, that was also nipped in the butt. I purposefully did not talk to him all that week I was gone (though he did email!!!!!) and after some very deserved “me” time at home, and a conversation with a couple of very wise family members I realized a) I was settling for second best by trying to make something that was not working work and b) I was really, really tired of talking. All we did was talk about the relationship but there was no action. I was done trying because of all the stuff that is already known and he was not doing anything either. So when I came back from home I called and said I was done and asked him to not call me anymore unless he was done doing all the “fixing” of his life he said he needed to do. He insisted he did not see this as a “final break-up” (!!!!!) and would come back to me. That is fine by me, but I reminded him that I would not be waiting for him and his risk is to come back and I won’t be here. Honestly? I know he will never come back and I am being true to my statement. I have been “Ex-free” (meaning free from any contact with him) for 3 weeks now and though I have moments, early in the morning, when I miss him, I am -the rest of the time- elated I am finally free and able to move on.
And move on I have tried. So far I’ve met two new guys, both Europeans, even going on a couple of dates with one of them. And while I think it’s cool to be noticed and notice people again, I am beginning to be more and more convinced that what I need is to be alone and single for a while. Not only because school is kicking my butt and I can’t really afford to dilly-dally in drama (should it arise) right now, but mostly because as Violet has expressed, I have not been alone, alone, in a long time. With the ex it was 2 and a half years. Before him, 9 months with another guy and before that one 3 years with the Photographer. All in all, more than 5 years of not being really single.
I always come back to this blog’s name. I really believe in being whole and figuring out what that means for me. Sadly, I think in this whole relationship mess I’ve been neglecting myself and what I need and who I am.. I think in many levels I no longer know. Instead of pursuing wholeness I’ve been pursuing a man, which we all know is wrong. First us, then the men (or the women). After all, as Carrie in Sex and the City (I know, Velvet, I know, but this quote is good!!) “the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself”. Not the discovery of the year, since we are supposed to know this, but irregardless something I need to remind myself of daily.
