* fear in Latin.
Over the course of the summer, I had a distinct realization. One that had been in the making for months, but that, because of being what it is, I did not want to face.
In doing soul searching and thinking (at times way too much) about the stuff that has happened in the last year, I finally accepted something I’d been feeling for a long, long time: The knowledge that for at least three years, I have been operating out of fear. Every major decision, every thought about myself, every big step I took, was guided by fear. It took my going away for two months, crying for what seemed endless minutes on my mother’s shoulder, and sliding down a zip line in Costa Rica, but I finally faced it: I had been living in fear, I had allowed it to paralyze me and to control me. And I had had enough.
So instead of running, as I had been doing, I turned around and looked at my fear. I told him (in Spanish fear has a male article) he was no longer the boss. I was. If he was going to live in my heart, he better start budging over and making his bags, because, God help me, I was going to kick him out.
Part of that process is my starting to write here again. I had been wanting to write for a long time, but didn’t do so out of fear.
Fear of many things. Fear of putting in writing the stuff and then it biting me in the ass.
Fear of certain people finding the blog and knowing too much about my life, and using it against me.
Fear of my writings becoming a problem in other aspects of my life (work, immigration, etc)
But I’m done with that. I must write. I need to write. I almost cannot stand not to write. Writing is my outlet, my therapy and the best mirror I can hold to myself.
There’s so much going on in my life that I need to write about, and I no longer want to keep it inside. Mr. Fear continues to try and be sneaky, but God willing I’ll keep on conquering it, because even if it kills me, in the end of all of this I want to be able to look back and know that I didn’t let him win and that I was the champion and I conquered him.
So kiss my ass, Mr. Metus. I am back in charge now and you’re leaving.